July 26

I'm out of the hospital. Once again...living. Starting to feel. It feels good to feel anything again. Inspired again. Been baking. Being creative. Connecting with my children. Need to repair other relationships. Relationships I've let go and hope to once again have. Hope...life. I take a deep breath and continue to move forward, hoping my path becomes clear.

Sunday Morning

I can not explain the excitement of Jeni sending me a snippet of No Doubt's Sunday Morning in concert. I thought I was going to cry. It makes me kick myself for not just splurging on the concert tickets. Sunday Morning is my fav. No Doubt song. My fav, MY fav, MY FAV! Love it! This song has such special meaning for me...one I don't think I will explain here. Here are the lyrics, download it, copy it, sing it aloud! It is that good.

Sappy pathetic little me

That was the girl I used to be

You had me on my knees

I'd trade you places any day

I'd never thought you could be that way

But you looked like me on Sunday

You came in with the breeze

On Sunday morning

You sure have changed since yesterday

Without any warning

I thought I knew you

I thought I knew you

I thought I knew you well. . . so well

You're trying my shoes on for a change

They look so good but fit so strange

Out of fashion, so I can complain

You came in with the breeze
On Sunday morning
You sure have changed since yesterday
Without any warning
I thought I knew you
I thought I knew you
I thought I knew you well. . . so well

I know who I am, but who are you?

You're not looking like you used to

You're on the other side of the mirror

So nothing's looking quite as clear

Thank you for turning on the lights

Thank you, now you're the parasite

I didn't think you had it in you

And now you're looking like I used to

You came in with the breeze

On Sunday morning

You sure have changed since yesterday

Without any warning

And you want me badly

You cannot have me

I thought I knew you

But I've got a new view

I thought I knew you well . . . oh well

yeah, yeah, this is a filler post, but I NEEDED to let the world know of my LOVE for this song and my gratitude to Jen for letting me know they sang this song and I know she was singing at the top of her lungs thinking of me.

Apparently we live in the same house...

http://www.blisstree.com/autismvox/bully-in-the-house/

And then there was Blah

I'm tired. I'm cranky. I am tired of people. Just got back from a nice vacation. In laws came into town the very next day. I have what seems like a million things to do and of course no time to do them. I'm in dire need of a haircut (of course, as usual my sister has taken care of it for me. What the hell I would do with out her, god only knows). I'm in dire need of a facial.

This weekend will hopefully be a chance to relax and do nothing. Baking. Yes, there will be baking.

No smile, no tip

Friday night after Michael's opening ceremonies, we went to have dinner. Doug takes the boys to the restroom, I am at the table and the server brings our drinks. He puts the boys sodas on the table, then hands me my ice tea. As he is handing it to me, he spills it. No big, it goes everywhere. He apologizes profusely, I help him wipe up the spill. He again, says he is so sorry and will bring me another one. My response to him was, "At least this time I did not melt." HE LOOKS AT ME BLANKLY. Am I the only one that thinks this is hilarious?

What a wonderful day

Today was one of the best days I have ever had. Wait, let me start with last night...Friday night I baked. Baked my little heart out. I made creme brulee, lemon meringue, and cinnamon muffins. The lemon meringue came out sooooooooo good. The cinnamon muffins had a great taste but, they looked...sketchy. Now I need to work on appearance, then they will be perfect. I made creme brulee for Doug and my uncle Carlos. I gave two ramekins of creme brulee to gam and gramps to give to him. They took them to him, and when he was getting out of the car when he got home, he dropped one. You read right, HE DROPPED MY RAMEKIN and it broke. He seriously was trying to find a way to still eat it (of course you know what I thought of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtWy54au_ws). Poor guy, of course I have never laughed so hard in my life.

This morning we got up early to go to Albuquerque and attend the New Mexico Autism Society Walk/Run for Autism. It was so exciting to see all of our shirts on the participants. The best part was when we talked to the President of the NMAS, she told us that they had so many participants they ran out of shirts. I was beyond thrilled that they had the turnout they had. We are going to be printing 100 more so they can send them out to people who did not get a shirt. Michael then decided he wanted to participate in the kids 1K run. I was so proud of him. He got a medal that he wore proudly. The event was so fun and so successful. Next year it will be bigger and better. On another autism note...I am participating in a project of called Autism Mother's Photography Project. I will be having my photo taken this week. I'll let you all know more details as I know them.

After the walk we had lunch, walked around the mall, went to Williams- Sonoma where I got an ice cream maker (BEYOND EXCITED about that purchase), the kids played in a fountain (yeah, that was all Doug), went to Old Navy where I got the kids some summer clothes and myself some really cute t-shirts, went to Best Buy to get use my Rewardszone certificates, and came home. It was a great day with my family. I wish you had been here with me.

Yeah, I'm still here

I know, I know. I haven't been here in forever. I could come up with a long list of excuses, but really, why bother? I will offer snippets of what is going on.

Seattle Trip-Had so much fun with Jen and Sam. It was relaxing. It was nice to hang out and laugh and talk. It's not like we did anything earth shattering, but I loved every minute of the trip. My heart started to hurt on the way to the airport. I hate goodbyes. I will get to see Jen again in May for graduation marathon, so that is a comfort.

School-Started a class that begins at 6 am. YES, 6 am. Three days a week I get up at 5 and go to school. I really love the class. So far I have made danishes, cinnamon rolls, croissants, scones, muffins, and next week I will learn english muffins. One of the best parts of this class is my chef instructor makes us breakfast at least once a week. OH MY GOD, they are so good. This morning we had eggs benedict. It was so good. Seriously, so good. The other perk of being at school at 5:50, I get Gonzales parking every morning.

School II-I just finished a chocolate and sugar class. The chef that taught the class was brilliant! He is the owner of Kakawa Chocolate House (http://www.kakawachocolates.com/). B R I L L I A N T! I learned so much and had so much fun in his class. I was sad to see it end.

Kids-The boys are doing well. Michael has started little league again. He is still a Stinger. He is very excited about baseball. He now also has homework every night in preparation for FIRST GRADE. Yes, FIRST GRADE. I can't believe his kindergarten year is almost over. First grade...where does the time go? Matthew is doing well. We just got some testing back in regards to him. Some disappointing news, some surprising news. Since I'm not sure who reads this blog, those of you who need to know about it will, and those of you who don't need to know about it won't.

Some generally reminders...April is Autism Month. For some of us though, every month is Autism Month. I won't ask for a donation to Autism Speaks (http://www.autismspeaks.org/), I ask for your compassion. Please, when you are at the store, the mall, just out, and you see a child that doesn't speak clearly, or is crying, or you see a mom and dad near tears while trying to get out of a public place with a child having a meltdown, have compassion. Don't judge. No matter how far along we have come in our journey, I can see the look on people's faces when Matthew speaks or if he is having a bad day. I can see them judging myself and my child. Have compassion people. Offer a smile, or hell, walk up to the parent and see if you can help. On April 25 the New Mexico Autism Society is going to have their first walk/run in Albuquerque. If you can attend, please do (http://www.active.com/page/Event_Details.htm?event_id=1714319). May 2nd is also Autism night at Isotopes Stadium.

I can't wait to see my family in May...

I'm tired

So much to write about. I am just spent. Physically, mentally, and pretty close to emotionally. I promise I will write more when I have rested. Be patient with me.

Spring Break! Woo, Woo!

This week starts my spring break. Quite frankly, I am amazed I have made it as far as I have. It seems like yesterday I was going to start school and I was so terrified. I now have a lot more confidence in my baking skills and I am enjoying all the practice. I am looking forward to a week of rest. I know it seems odd to say, but to go and help Doug at the shop is relaxation. I will help him and then THURSDAY...I'll get back to that.



The boys are doing well. I realize that what I am about to write may seem very bad, but I believe since I have been going to school and doing something I like, I am enjoying my children more. They make me laugh and are the best companions I could ask for. I went with them on Thursday on the railrunner. We had a great time. We hit a cow. Yes, we hit a cow. It was very disgusting. You could feel the bones literally GRINDING into the tracks. SO GROSS! We then went to a cafe named Friends, had great breakfast burritos and coffee and hot chocolate. It was so nice. The morning was perfect and the kids were great. We got back on the train and came home. So much fun!



Today was spent getting a new dryer, taking care of a sick mammy, and general resting. It was nice. Tomorrow I need to make my video for Kraft, go to the grocery store, and generally prepare for my trip to Seattle. I am so excited! I honestly don't care what I do with Jeni, I just want to see her. We could watch the paint peel and it will be the best time ever. I can not wait to walk off the plane (with coleslaw in my hand) and hug my sister. There will be plenty a twitter.

I am going to make biscotti tomorrow. Maybe something with lemons as well. I seem to be all about the lemons lately. Who knows...life is what you bake of it.

Because I want to be JUST LIKE JENI

So, Jeni posted a shameful post of her first 15 songs that are played on her ipod. Well, I want to be just like her and will do the same now. Here it goes (very nervous).



1. Bad Day-Daniel Powter-I like this song. I truly loved the song because of the line "You're faking a smile with your coffee to go." That's me.



2.My Happy Ending-Avril Lavigne-Oh god. Yes, I have Avril on the ipod. This post is embarrassing. The song was catchy? I don't remember why I like this song. Please don't judge. Please?



3. She-Elvis Costello-A wonderful romantic song. I love the movie Notting Hill. Elvis...romantic.



4. When I grow up-Garbage-I love Garbage. Love, Love, Love!



5. Amneris' Letter-Shania Twain-Another wonderful romantic song. This is off the Aida soundtrack. SEE THIS OPERA. If you can, see it. It is my favorite. The soundtrack is incredible.



6. Ice Cream-Sarah McLachlan-According to Jen, I am the biggest Sarah sucker. It's true. I have all her albums. They have the same songs on them. Various versions of the same song. Sarah, live in concert. Sarah, acoustic. Sarah, live in my bathroom. Yes, I am a sucker.



7. Learning to Fly-Pink Floyd-I am a huge Pink Floyd fan. I loved this video and I loved the song.



8. American Girl-Tom Petty-I can not think of a Tom Petty song I don't like. This is off his greatest hits album. So Good. Doug and I saw him one night at El Farol drinking. I died when I saw him. DIED.



9. I'm still here-John Rzeznik-This is from the Treasure Planet Disney movie. It's a great song and a really good movie. I hear that song and I think of the boys. It's about a boy becoming a man.



10. Watching You-Rodney Atkins-This song reminds me of mammer and Doug. Michael wants to be just like Doug, it is so cute.



11. Peel Me a Grape-Diana Krall-This womans voice is so seductive. She is an amazing musician and this song is...again, seductive.



12. Ever the Same (Itunes Original Version)-Rob Thomas-Jeni. Enough said.



13. Heaven is a Place on Earth-Belinda Carlisle-I borrowed this cd from Jim, and well, never gave it back. Don't know why I love Belinda Carlisle, but I always sang one of her songs when I auditioned for plays.



14. The Scientist (Live)-Aimee Mann-I love Aimee Mann. Her voice is so haunting. When I found this on itunes, I about died. I love this song and her voice...god it makes this song so intense.



15. Free Fallin'-John Mayer-Again, LOVE Tom Petty and I am a fan of John Mayer. Put the two together=GREATNESS!



So, there ya go.

What to say, What to say?

I confess, I have started like 8 blogs within the past week and I have deleted them all. I am frustrated, excited, disappointed, moody, relieved, tired...if there is an emotion to be felt, I feel like I have experienced it lately. This post will seem somewhat rambling, but you all will survive.

-Matthew completed his second season of skiing. He is such a funny kid. I am proud of him We had a potluck on Sunday and I brought vanilla cupcakes with chocolate icing. Big surprise.

-The kid that was in Matthew's class is finally gone. He is now at a behavioral school and is going to be in a typical classroom on Fridays at Matthew's school. GOD HELP SFPS IF I WALK IN ON FRIDAY AND THAT KID IS IN MATTHEW'S CLASS. Enough said.

-I got new school pics of the kids. I will send them out before the boys graduate from high school.

-Michael and Matthew are suffering from allergies and have a horrific cough. I blame the allergies on Doug.

-I made an awesome chocolate angel food cake. It was good. I also made a very yummy genoise cake with hazelnut ganache. Way yum!

-I got doors put on my bathroom. At last privacy and warmth.

-Michael dances great. He is so funny.

-Finally got Doug to watch Juno. He loved it.

-Am so excited to go to Seattle. Seriously COUNTING the days. Oh yeah, I need to take an offering of damn coleslaw. SAM.

-Going to Minn. in July with the kids to see Dad and Audmo. I wish the whole family could go, but I understand.

-Am so looking forward to May. You all can stay at my house for as long as you want.

-Am bored with my hair, but have no money to do anything about it. Ick.

-I have been taking very good care of my nails and fingers. You all would be surprised.

-Signed the mammer up for baseball. Am way bummed I will miss the first two weeks of games. He'll forgive me...right? UGH.

-Am going to do this focus study for Kraft. They interviewed me, and they are sending me a camera to video tape a day in my life. So very cool. One of the chef instructors approached me with this opportunity. It is very cool since I am a huge Kraft fan. Oh yeah, and they pay me. WOWSA!

I think that's it. School is good. I am learning so much and I am looking forward to sharing with all of you.

Oh yeah...Jessica is pregnant. God help that kid.

Grrrrrrrr

I am very angry these days. The situation with Matthews school should be resolved as of tomorrow. In the mean time though, on Monday there was an incident on the playground where a girl was playing with Matthew. Things took a turn for the worse and she was chasing him and pulled his hoodie and it made him choke and she spit on him. Yes, you read this correctly. SHE SPIT ON HIM. It gets worse, my mom picks the boys up from school that day and no, NO ONE THOUGHT TO TELL HER WHAT HAPPENED ON THE PLAYGROUND. Doug had to hear about it the next morning when the teacher asked (quite casually by the way), "Did Matthew say anything to you about what happened on the playground yesterday?" I felt bad for Doug, becuase he had to call me and tell me about it. I blew. I flipped out and was yelling and crying. Then I had to go to class. Nevertheless, my heart wasn't into my angel food cake. During class all I could think about what a bad mom I am and how bad of a job I am doing balancing my life. I hate the fact my son is having these problems at school. I want to scream and yell at his teachers.

So, what have you been doing?

UGH! Thursday poor Matthew came home sick. He had an ear ache, stuffy nose, sore throat, fever, and was just plain punky. Poor guy. When Matthew gets sick, he gets sick. The worst part is, we never know how sick he really is. His pain thresh hold is so high, that if you ask him if he's feeling all right, he says he feels good, yet he looks like hell. He is feeling better and was able to go skiing today. He still suffers from allergies, but at least he looks like himself (not pale and sickly) and his fever is gone. Now Michael has a cough. I hope it doesn't last long. The little mam...

Saturday I hung out with the kids and made creme brulee, ham and cheese scones, and apricot and pecan scones. I can not stand creme brulee but made it for Gram and Gramps. The scones were very good. Not a huge fan of all that bread, but still quite yummy. Doug golfed.

Today, Matthew went skiing. He had such a good time. He has learned how to turn and stop on skis. He was so proud. Next week is the last week of the ski program. Matthew will get a certificate and a nice picture of him with his instructor. I am so proud of him. Mammer and I went to my moms and had coffee and scones. It was nice to hang out with her. I also have enjoyed the past few weeks of hanging out with Michael. He is so funny and I am amazed at how bright he is. He also has quite the memory. He loves to sing and he has a great sense of humor. Our Sunday ended at Gram and Gramps with dinner. They are so funny and I enjoy spending time with them. I like taking them treats and the boys enjoy being over at their house. Gram has a new digital frame that she has 300 pics that scroll. The best thing was she has a picture of my mom and dad at his graduation party and Matthew saw it. HE WAS AMAZED and asked Grandma if he could have it. I can not wait to show my mother that photo. To also top it off, she has a TON of pics from their wedding. Classic.

This evening, packed lunches, got clothes ready for the kids. I start a new class tomorrow. My school bag is all packed and my chef jacket is pressed and ready to be worn.

There is my weekend. What have you been up to?

Gorgeous

What else is there to say?

Romeo and Juilet

Today my mom told me that my cousin is having a nervous breakdown. Her version of a nervous breakdown is that she is crying all the time, isn't going to class, making herself sick, blah, blah, blah. She is having a nervous breakdown because she and her boyfriend broke up, and now they are back together. They live together (in a house with a roommate), and while they were broken up he whined and complained to his parents how he did not want to live there anymore and wanted leave and blah, blah, blah. Well, now they are back together he doesn't want to leave and his brother is flying in tomorrow to help him move and oh yeah, he hasn't told his mom he doesn't want to move. Yes, this is teenage lovers angst, yet they are 21 and 23. You read correctly 21 and 23. Not 14 and 15. These two people are in their early twenties and in college. My cousin made a comment how if he leaves she doesn't know how she will go on with out him and she felt like they were romeo and juliet. She also said something (not really sure what) to allude that she was suicidal. I feel for her...up to a point. She and her boyfriend have gotten themselves into this mess. He whined and complained that he could not be in the same house with her, and now they are back together and voila, everything is all good again, yet he doesn't have the balls to say a word. I don't like the reference to romeo and juliet. I knew a real life romeo and juliet. They ended, tragically. They are both dead and lives were and remain shattered since. Their lives were taken by suicide. I don't find anything that my cousin said amusing and I don't take the suicide comment lightly. I think she is acting like a drama queen and quite frankly, it sickens me. It makes me mad because of her DRAMA she is affecting a number of people. My aunt has take the rest of the week off to deal with her daughter, my mom may go to Las Cruces to talk to her and spend the weekend so that means Doug and I don't get to see Ed's play. It's bullshit. That's all it is. It is petty and it seems like it is such a cry for attention. Grow up.

Bitch, it's on!

Today in class, Chef Tanya (my instructor), tells us that for the International Coffee Day at the college, we will be making desserts for the attendees. I can not tell you how excited I became. Would you like to know why? Well, I AM A GONZALES. I heard, "this is a competition." Then it got better when she said we would be working in teams. My table partner, Katie, is just as competitive as I am. We are always in class outdoing all the other people. We got excited. We decided we will be making cocoa swiss meringue cookies and french vanilla cupcakes with cream cheese and white chocolate icing with (yes, there is more) meringue roses. TOP THAT BITCHES! It's all over for everyone else. Ah, I wish Jeni were here, she loves a good competition. I'll send pics.

Dooce did this on her blog, Jen did this on her blog, and I had to copy as well. A little info for my LEGIONS of readers.

What are your middle names?
Mine is Shannon and Doug's is Wayne.

How long have you been together?
We've been together 9 years and 7 mos. We have been married for 5 years.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
Oh god, this is a weird story. Doug and I met when he was living with Uncle Carlos' girlfriend Jane. They were roomates. I was...younger. We did not know each other long before we started dating...pregnant...isn't that the same thing?

Who asked whom out?
He asked me.

How old are each of you?
I'm 32, he's OLD 45. It is a 13 year age difference.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Mine.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Our kids, money, the shop.

Did you go to the same school?
No

Are you from the same home town?
No. Doug is from podunk Colorado and I'm from Santa Fe.

Who is smarter?
Honestly, not sure. I remember things like you would not believe and I can multi task like no one's business. Doug...drives me nuts. Not fast on computer, remembers NOTHING, and is horrible at names, yet can solve a complex math problem. Drives me nuts.

Who is the most sensitive?
I cry the easiest.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Rio Chama. Love the people, they know us, and it is such good comfort food.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
New York City

Who has the craziest exes?
Uh, Doug. Enough said.

Who has the worst temper?
Doug. Enough said.

Who does the cooking?
Me. I love cooking. It is soothing to me.

Who is the neat-freak?
Me. I like things tidy. Doug could leave his clothes on the chair forever.

Who is more stubborn?
Did I mention my maiden name is Gonzales?

Who hogs the bed?
Me. I love my bed. I love my blankets. I love my pillows. I prefer to sleep alone.

Who wakes up earlier?
Me.

Where was your first date?
El Farol. We saw Tom Petty and I just about passed out. I love him!

Who is more jealous?
Neither of us.

How long did it take to get serious?
Let's see...Matthew was conceived when? I guess that made us serious.

Who eats more?
Doug. I don't understand how he eats non stop and barely gains weight. I look at food and 10 pounds magically appear on me.

Who does the laundry?
Uh, me. Someone can't figure out sorting clothes.

Who's better with the computer?
Me. Doug is WAY slow on the computer. Drives me nuts.

Who drives when you are together?
Me. The man drives insanely slow and can not navigate as well as I can.

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

There has been a situation brewing in Matthew's class that has reached fever pitch. I am done and have dealing with it for almost three weeks. There is a new boy in the class. We'll call him "Billy" (after this episode http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It). He seemed like a good enough kid, but slowly reports of him having MAJOR meltdowns began to surface. For example, the room having to be evacuated, chairs being thrown, the fish tank being relocated due to it may become a victim of this child, food being thrown...I think you get the idea. Doug and I were concerned, didn't want to be to judgemental, thought billy was getting adjusted to a new school, new surroundings. Well, not so much. This kid is a terror. A nightmare. He is destructive and violent. He is so violent and destructive that mom and dad have two other little ones at home, that they don't want the kid home because he might hurt the other two. After hearing Matthew tell us countless stories of how he is learning at school to get out of the room to be safe, I was ALL DONE. The next morning, Doug and I had a meeting with Matthew's teacher, the principal, the asst. principal, and another concerned parent. We aired out our concerns and they shared that they are trying to get the child moved to another school all together. Here is the kicker...the parents moved here from another state. They specifically moved to El Dorado to place their son in this class for autistic children. They met with the school, checked it out, and voila, here the child is. The school never got any paperwork explaining this kids diagnosis. Paperwork has trickled in and lo and behold, the kid is not autistic, HE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED. Yeah, duped! The parents LIED to get their kid into this class. Now because the kid is in this class, it is taking an act of congress to get him out. All sorts of meetings, letters, calls, you name it, the other parents (including myself) are jumping through hoops to get the kid out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though, it looks like this might be resolved in a week. These dumb ass, lying parents need to sign off on their kid to go this other school (which is a behavioral health school-go figure). Until then, I hate taking Matthew to school. When your child comes home and tells you how he had to go to another class to be safe, or he tells you that he is afraid of billy and doesn't want him coming to his house because he will destroy it, or even worse, when he tells you that he is afraid billy will hurt his teachers. IT KILLS ME. I am hoping that these parents will sign on the damn dotted line and get this kid out of this school and into an environment that will help him. Until then, these parents better pray this kid doesn't mess with Matthew, god help them.

Le Sigh...

I got an A in my Basic Pastries II class. Yes, I am so happy and excited. I enjoy the classes, the practice at home, and the homework. It is hard balancing everything and I know I could be doing a better job of it. I mentioned that I was bummed out that Dad didn't return my call about my first class. I still am pretty sad about that as well, but truly the root is I miss Jim. I want him to be a part of what I am doing. I believe he would be so proud of me, encouraging me. I don't think I am looking to have my ego fed, I am just so sad that he is missing out on what I am doing. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

Some things change, and some things never do.

*Warning, a some what depressing post*

I got an A in my first pastry class. I am so excited. you are never to old to be impressed at the fact you got an A in something. When I found out, I told my mom, Doug, the client that was in the shop, I twittered it, took an ad out in the local paper, contacted channel 7 news...you get the picture. I also called my dad. Left a message saying I got an A (do you see where this is going?). That night I was getting ready to go to bed and I realized, I never heard from him. No text saying good job, no call, nada. It really upset me. Why you ask? Well, I thought I had killed the little girl that needed her fathers approval, apparently not. She still exists. She still needed to hear good job from her father and she didn't. Maybe that girl came back because Jim is gone. I know Jim would have been proud. He would have said something like, "Good job Dawn S." I miss him and maybe I wanted...I don't know. I guess you are never to told to seek your father's approval. It will take a few more days, but that little girl who needs the praise, she'll be gone. You can bet on it.

Thursday night I was watching ER, (yes I was watching ER Jeni. You know I am a sucker for final seasons). There was a story line about some doctor that had retired from County and was found wondering and he had Alzheimer's. It got me thinking about my grandma Helen. She is in an assisted living center here in town. She has VERY BAD Alzheimer's. She has no idea what, where, or really who anyone is. I have not seen her in...4years? Why? I hate the woman. Yes, hate is such a strong word, but that is how I feel. My mom and I lived with her. I moved out as soon as I could after graduation. The woman made my life hell. She was cruel and very mean to me. She hated me as much as I hated her. I could tell you stories that would make your jaw drop. I heard a great theory as to why people suffer from dementia, it says that this disease is the souls way of purging the brain of a hypocritical life (I will find the exact quote and post it, but for now this will do). I agree, she led a hypocritical life. She was this church going, gardening, doting grandmother to her other grandchildren...to me, she was horrible. I have maybe 5 fond memories of the woman? How sad that my friends didn't like coming to my house because of her. When she would walk in to the room, my friends would hum under their breath the wicked witch of the west theme. I have decided that when she dies, I will go to the funeral, not to mourn, but to make sure she is truly dead. My mom asked me if I would please go to the home where Helen lives to have a picture taken, and I couldn't. I just could not bring myself to walk into that place with her. Maybe it is true what that quote said. Maybe it is karma and she is suffering for what she did. I don't know. I will say it does make me sad that I carry this hatred with me. I know the only way I will forgive her is in death. My mom one time mentioned how she felt bad that we lived with my grandmother and it was the biggest mistake she ever made. I was so shocked, I had no response. Maybe I need to address it with her again, air out the dirty laundry. I don't know.